Mattias Snygg ([info]mattiassnygg) wrote,
@ 2006-11-19 22:35:00
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Gears of War "review"
NOTE: This is intended as satire/comedy, please don't take it seriously :D

Gears of War: A Temporal Vortex

I’ve played some Gears of War these last couple of days, and for all its production values and brilliant use of the next-generation graphics technology it does leave me with a chilling thought – that it’s 1987 all over again.

Remember all those one-man-army action movies you used to love as a kid?

The concept was largely abandoned in the 90’s in an effort to create a less sexist and more gender-neutral male on the silver screen (Johnny Depp, anyone?). The idea resurfaced in video games throughout in the 90’s, but who could tell what the hell those pixels were? Technology put limits on believability and immersion, and while this still holds true today, technology is finally catching up. And how do we use this awesome new technology?

The similarities don’t end there, either. Remember the uber-machoisms of those 80’s movies? Remember how, more often than not, those machoisms doubled as gay innuendo? You don’t? I dare you to take another look at the 1987 Ahnold masterpiece Predator:

The dialogue is nothing more than thinly veiled pickup-lines and there is more sweat-glistening bicep per frame than in any other mainstream media. It’s all sweat and testosterone, where Jesse Ventura’s character proclaims himself a “goddamn sexual tyrannosaurs” and we must assume that Mr. Governator’s intense exchange (above) with muscle-man Carl Weathers about “pushing pencils” is a private code for sexual intercourse.

So what else is on the menu in this marvel of technological advancements? When your buddy is down for the count in the split-screen cooperative mode, you can resuscitate him by dry-humping his slouched-over body. This is the kiss-of-life that will immediately make him spring to his feet, hungry for more “action”. Even here the throwbacks to 80’s action movies are obvious, as we recall the affectionate relationship between Jesse Ventura and Bill Duke:

In the same way that lesbian drama usually ends in tragedy and death, this friendship ends abruptly with the death of Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Bill is left grieving and crying out for revenge in the aftermath of this impossible love, as we are reminded that some things are just not meant to be.

"Bears" of War might not deliver such rich and detailed character portraits, but it makes up for it in engaging action and gameplay. If you’re looking for something that actually looks next-gen, this is so far the only title to consider.

I award this game 4/5 proud men with moustaches:


(15 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Ray-Ban, biceps and guns
(Anonymous)
2006-11-28 02:31 pm UTC (link)
Hi there! I accidentally found this site. haha, great stuff man.
Especially the last entry. I cant help but think if you and I lived in the same city wed be hanging out ALOT.
My Macho-Predator-Ninja-instinct has been awaken by GoW and that good ole' 80's groove is smashin' my brains out.
Suddenly, i wear ugly Ray-Bans and look at people like Ahnold, talking through my manacing teeth.
I hope i'm not becoming gay:)
Cheers mate!

Khan
aka
Chupacabra

(Reply to this) (Thread)
Re: Ray-Ban, biceps and guns
[info]mattiassnygg
2006-12-20 07:17 pm UTC (link)
Cheers :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)
Re: Ray-Ban, biceps and guns
(Anonymous)
2007-04-19 09:23 am UTC (link)
whats with all the gay inuendo's...there are no gay references in predator...you should of done one on top gun...a.k.a the gayest movie of all time,you would probly enjoy that film then would you

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]blobsticks
2006-11-28 02:44 pm UTC (link)
Genius Mr.Mongo!

Now do a Bond version ;)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]mattiassnygg
2006-12-20 07:16 pm UTC (link)
Oh I would if I could, but Bond is untouchable ;)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]jonhodgson
2006-12-20 12:19 pm UTC (link)
pls pst new pics by Herr Snygg thx.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]mattiassnygg
2006-12-20 07:17 pm UTC (link)
Next year! (maybe)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]jepps
2007-01-08 06:25 pm UTC (link)
lmao

(Reply to this)

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2007-08-18 01:00 am UTC (link)
Hi all!
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G'night

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